The Existential Enigma
by Bazinga'd
Summary: A sudden death grips Sheldon and Penny in a way unimaginable and sets into motion seemingly inexplicable events that all lead to one of life's greatest mysteries: love. (Warning: Major character death!)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: This story picks up sometime after 6x08 episode "The 43 Peculiarity" Yes, the episode that killed any possibility of the Shenny. So here it is: Project Retaliation. This is my first TBBT story, so I'm all for constructive criticism! Y'all are in for a long, very angsty ride.

**Disclaimer**: I own zilch. But in an alternative universe, Moon Pie is mine!

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Penny shivered as the sudden obnoxious beeping of her clock broke the silence of her apartment. She turned to read the time: 7:30 AM. There had been no real need for the alarm - she had been lying in bed, starkly awake since...who knows? She couldn't be sure.

Penny did not linger. She rose, took a quick cold shower, changed into the dreariest black dress she could find, and waited for her neighbor to arrive. It had been understood that they'd attend the funeral together.

But the familiar knocking did not come. And it was now 8:15. 15 minutes past their agreed meeting time.

This was not right. He was not following protocol.

Unnerved by the silence and worried by his prolonged absence, Penny gathered her things and walked across the hall to 4A. And for a split second she felt it. The dizzying nausea clenching her stomach.

_Breathe_, she told herself. _Just breathe_.

Then she knocked. No answer. She turned the knob gingerly, finding it unlocked. Not a single light was on, and it appeared for a moment that the place was empty. But then she heard it. A distinct, albeit faint rapping against the wall.

"Sheldon?" she called out, fumbling for the hallway lights.

Penny sighed as her hand found the switch. But the light only roused more fear and she gasped at the sight before her.

A completely raggedy Sheldon Cooper was crouched at the foot of his roommate's door, his hand compulsively rapping rhythmically against it. Triple knock - and silence. Triple knock - and more silence.

His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a tousled mess, and he was still dressed in his wrinkly Green Lantern shirt - the same one he'd been wearing when they had received _the_ _news_. But the most disturbing of all was his unwavering little knocks on the door. And though she could see his mouth opening and closing, there were no words.

Just _knock, knock, knock_ - silence.

And then Penny knew that the silence was not silence at all. He was uttering a name. He'd surely repeated it all night and, in the process, lost his voice.

The nausea lurched inside her once again, but she couldn't vomit now. Not here. Not when he was like this. Taking a deep breath, Penny knelt down beside him.

"Sheldon?" she repeated.

He didn't even look at her. It was as if he hadn't registered her presence at all.

"Sheldon," she persisted gently, "honey, you need to get up."

She slowly reached for his hand and as soon as they touched, she felt his entire body tense up. This was the jolt he needed and he finally acknowledged her. His tired eyes lifted up to hers and they pleaded with her.

His mouth opened once more, but again, there was nothing but deafening silence.

She couldn't take it anymore. She had to get him up and they had to get the hell out of there. Mustering all of the strength left in her, Penny dragged him into his own room. She quickly rifled through his closet until she came across a black suit. Wordlessly, she stripped him and though slightly fearing any protests on his part, Penny buttoned and zipped until Sheldon was properly dressed.

Moving quickly, she forced him down the stairs and to her car as fast as his weight would allow her. It was 8:40. They needed to hurry. She would not be late. Not for this.

"Sheldon, get in the car and buckle yourself."

Penny began for the driver's side, but it was soon clear that he had no intention of moving. Sighing, she pulled open the passenger door and shoved him in.

She shivered a little as she slid into the driver's seat, peering cautiously at her stiff passenger. He did not turn to meet her glance. He remained expressionless and still. Sighing deeply, she started the engine. It was 8:45. She'd have to deal with him later.

And then he spoke the words that she'd been refusing to acknowledge all week long.

"Leonard is dead," he croaked matter-of-factly.

_Leonard is dead._

_Leonard is dead._

_Leonard is dead._

Blinking furiously at her wooden passenger, Penny blasted the radio, attempting to drone out the leaden words. If she didn't hear them, it wasn't real.

It couldn't be.

* * *

**MORE A/N**: I'm sorry if this is truly depressing. It's not like I hate Leonard or anything...and I know that it's a cheap shot to kill him off in order to realize my shipper fantasies. But, ah well, an eye for an eye (sort of). Any reviews would be greatly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Thank you all so much for the nice reviews! I really appreciate them! In any case, the stars begin to align somewhat (though Sheldon would _surely_ snort and dismiss such a rib-tickling expression) for Shenny in this angst-fest. Warning: This is a very long, very Sheldon-light chapter.

**Disclaimer**: I own this much - TBBT x 0, which = absolutely nothing. Drat.

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Chapter 2

"_It is with great sadness that I stand in front of you today to celebrate and honor the life of..."_

Penny peered upward into the appallingly clear sky seeking solace from the words. She'd had enough of words already today.

Droning out incomprehensible words was a natural instinct for Penny - especially during the last 6 years. She had perfected the ability to swiftly disengage from a conversation without stirring suspicion within a single soul. It had proved to be a necessary skill especially when dating a genius boyfriend.

"_...his successful research on super solids further reveals how tremendously committed he had been to the university..."_

The funeral was nothing at all like she had expected. She was used to more intimate services like when her grandfather had passed away. But then again, her grandfather had not worked as an experimental physicist in one of the world's most revered universities.

She turned her gaze once more to the overwhelming crowd packed inside of the Beckman Auditorium at the California Institute of Technology. It was amazing, really. To see just how many people - from CalTech Physics undergraduates to Princeton alumni - admired and respected him. And he deserved it all.

"_...if he could only see just how many people are present today to honor his life and accomplishments..."_

Penny's eyes next turned to the row in the column beside her. Just the sight of them shook her and an unpleasant, chalkiness invaded her mouth. She could make out Howard's heaving shoulders and a teary Bernadette doing her best to comfort her husband. Next to them sat Sheldon and Amy. His hands were primly resting on his lap; hers were dabbing at her eyes every so often with a pink plaid handkerchief. Then finally, there was Raj, openly sobbing into his palms. And rubbing his back was a beautiful brunette who, though a stranger to Penny, seemed to know Raj quite well.

Her friends, broken and beat, were sitting side by side. Each finding comfort in their loved ones.

And she was alone.

Well, not completely. In fact, Penny had the whole Hofstadter clan sitting next to her. She was approached quite suddenly by Beverly to join their group. How could Penny have refused?

But now she cursed herself for having accepted. Sitting next to Dr. Beverly Hofstadter only made Penny feel more out of place. And the fact that even the usually emotionally-detached Mother Hofstadter was tearing up without abashment served to agitate Penny even more.

Because the god-awful truth was that Penny had not cried once since she'd received _the news_. Not one fucking tear.

* * *

"I wish you would let me help, Penny."

Penny gave a small, forced smile to her blonde, elfin friend.

"It's really okay, Bernadette. There's nothing to help with. Just be there for Howard," she replied softly, motioning toward her friend's distraught husband.

Penny gave another smile before briskly walking over to the apartment's kitchenette to fill several more glasses with wine. There was a surprising number of people packed into the tiny apartment of 4A for the wake. And the glasses were being emptied at a zippy rate.

She wondered who all these people were. She had never known too many of the friends outside of the 4A social circle. But now she wished she'd asked about them. She felt ridiculous wandering through the crowd, offering drinks to strangers, listening to their personal anecdotes, pretending to understand this brilliant theory or recognize that brilliant physicist. It just made her feel like complete shit.

Eyeing the empty trays and glasses here and there, Penny sighed and began her umpteenth round of the night. She was just about to head back to the counters when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Amy," Penny acknowledged.

"Hello, Bestie," Amy returned mournfully.

"How are you, hon'?"

The long-haired neurobiologist shook her head slightly. "Not well, Penny. We need to talk."

Penny saw her friend's face crumple with anxiety. Quickly she motioned the brunette to follow her on outside of the apartment.

"Amy, what is it? What happened?" she asked, apprehension gnawing at her stomach.

"I broke up with Sheldon," Amy blurted, immediately avoiding Penny's eyes.

"_WHAT_?!"

Penny was glad she'd left the tray of empty wine glasses inside of the apartment, because she could only imagine what chaos would have unfolded otherwise. She was absolutely stunned.

"I know, I know. I've gone and done the abominable."

"SERIOUSLY, _WHAT THE HELL_, _AMY_? You choose to break up with Sheldon at his best friend's wake? I thought you were in love with him!" Penny accused.

"I thought so, too. Please don't be vexed with me. But after..._you know_...I just realized I don't love Sheldon in that way and vice versa. He's absolutely the most brilliant man I've ever known but I was trying so hard to hold onto the idea of a boyfriend that I'd fooled myself all this time," Amy confessed hurriedly, tears forming in her eyes.

"But after what's happened, how can I continue on with this charade? I cannot do that to Sheldon," she further protested. "If anything, I want both of us to live better lives because...life is indeed too short!"

Penny sighed at her friend's unusual burst of emotion. And then she knew that Amy only wanted the best for both herself and Sheldon. She pulled Amy into a hug, reassuring her that things would turn all right.

She completely understood why Amy had done what she did. And the queasiness suddenly returned, this time gnawing at her with a vengeance.

"Are you all right? Your normally divine, tanned face has paled quite suddenly," Amy noted, wiping her tear-stained glasses.

Penny exhaled deeply, using her friend as balance. Her knees were weak, her hands clammy. She was so tired. After silently counting to three, Penny nodded weakly.

"It's...it's nothing," she replied. "Hey, Amy, where's Sheldon now?"

"He was in his bedroom when I last spoke with him. Anyway, I...I think I should go."

Penny gave Amy another quick hug. "I'll give you a call later, okay?"

Looking a good deal calmer, her bespectacled friend nodded and soon disappeared down the stairs.

* * *

4A was nearly empty when Dr. Beverly Hofstadter approached Penny.

"Penny, dear, we're about to leave, but before we go, I wanted to speak with you," she said tersely.

"Of course," Penny nodded. With both curiosity and dread hovering over her, she followed the rigid woman into the narrow hallway inside the apartment.

"Do you mind if we speak in here?" Beverly questioned, her hand turning the knob of a familiar door.

Swallowing the rising lump in her throat, Penny shook her head and followed the doctor in.

It was her first time entering the room that week. Amazingly, the room appeared exactly the same as it always had been. For some reason, Penny had expected havoc and chaos inside - anything that would signal the bizarreness of it all.

But this was not the time to dwell on anything but the poor woman sitting on the bed in front of her.

"Beverly," Penny began gently, "how are you holding up?"

The austere woman had composed herself a great deal before the wake and she had reverted back to the woman Penny had known: cold, rigid, and methodical.

"I am quite fine - it is _you_ who concerns me," she spoke precisely.

Penny was confused. "Me?"

"Yes, dear. I understand that you and Leonard had grown moderately close over the years, although the unpredictable, unstable nature of your romance reveals that both of you lacked the emotional maturity to sustain a surviving partnership," Beverly declared.

Penny was silent. She had avoided saying or even hearing his name all day long. And now here was his mother, of all people, so casually throwing it out there.

"In any case," she continued, "despite such overt signs of a nonviable relationship, Leonard did mention recently, clearly before this incident, that you two shared an intimate moment in which you declared your feelings for him. I was quite flummoxed when he told me, as it is none of my business, but you must be harboring a great deal of emotions right now. I've been observing you all day, and you have been exhibiting slight signs of derealization and disassociation. But simply from the viewpoint of a psychologist, I want to assure you that it is normal and socially accepted to openly grieve. You do not have to reserve any expression of emotions on account of me."

Penny was stunned. This "_incident_"? How could Beverly be so cold, so casual about his death? And why did she have to bring that moment up? One of her final moments with Leonard.

/FLASHBACK/

"_What is your problem? Do you like use up all of your thinking at work and there's none leftover for when you're at home?"_

"_I don't know...it-it's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you. Even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me - why is everyone taller than me? ... You know what? This is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours."_

"_Leonard, why do you always do this? Listen to me, you are the one I'm with, you know I love you. So will you please relax because you're driving me crazy!"_

"_...You know that's the first time you ever said that you love me."_

/END FLASHBACK/

Her confusion and shock suddenly turned to anger, and she decided to oblige Dr. Hofstadter's last statement.

"How can you be asking me about my emotions when you seem to have none at all?! Didn't you care the least about your son?! Why couldn't you see how great and brilliant he was?! Why couldn't you love him the way he wanted you to?! And how _dare_ you comment on our relationship?! Yes, Leonard and I weren't perfect, but we did our best! And he was so good to me even when I'd treat him like nothing! And I-I-"

But before she could finish her rant, there it was again - the overpowering nausea. Only this time, she wasn't sure she was going to make it.

Penny bolted out of the room and quickly found sanctuary on the cool bathroom tiles. With the little strength she had, Penny pulled her hair away from her face, propped herself forward, and released all that she had been holding in that day.

She was wiping her mouth of any leftover residue when she heard a firm knocking on the door.

"Penny, dear, I-I am sorry," Beverly's muffled voice spoke slowly, her voice now less unemotional. It appeared that she was truly trying to comfort, finally yielding to the maternal instinct that had been absent earlier. "I hadn't realized the extent of your situation, but I can now clearly see the root of your outburst. If I may offer a final piece of advice, don't let your guilt consume you. It's all right that you weren't in love with Leonard. _No_, I do not question that you had strong feelings for my son, but it's not quite the same as being _in love_ with him, is it? But that's just the truth, and one should never assign fault to oneself for coming to terms with the truth."

And with that, the doctor turned around and headed for the front door.

As her steps grew fainter and fainter on the wood outside, a completely exhausted and spent Penny found herself sprawled across the bathroom floor, pondering over Dr. Hofstadter's final words.

_...you weren't in love with Leonard._

_...you weren't in love with Leonard._

_...you weren't in love with Leonard._

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**MORE A/N**: I don't know whether or not I am satisfied with this chapter, but the deed is done. Three things I want to mention: 1) The more I write about Penny and delve into her persona, the more upset I become about the fact that the show barely dips into the complexities of such a gem of a character. 2) I understand that a physicist's funeral may not be as lavish in real life as I've fictionalized here, but hey, poor Leonard deserves it in my story. 3) There will most definitely be more Sheldon from here on out!

ANYWAY, reviews would be swell! Constructive criticism/suggestions are totally welcome! (No, seriously. I don't know what I'm doing...)


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